Ok. I said I wanted this blog to become a primarily movie review/whatever blog, and not just a "here's my problems" blog. But you know what, it can be both. And any of that aside, it's important that you read this, because you need to know what's going on, and how I feel. So here goes....
About two months ago, I left. I left because I was afraid, because I felt unimportant, and like I was holding you back. Because I had issues that needed to be voiced, but rather than voice them and face things like a man, I ran like a coward. And I kept running, foolishly, for some misplaced fear of your wrath, that you would run after me to scold me, or something negative of the sort. But you didn't. You stood there, and even amongst the tears and the sadness, you still saw the love, and you looked at me, with arms open, asking me to come back. I've always known that I was the love of your life, and that you are mine, but that still shook me to my core, because if there was ever a love that could have it's own physical presence, your's would be it. And I stood there, dumbfounded, not sure what to do. But I found myself slowly walking back to you. Hesitant, yes, but not from my own fear, but because I didn't want to hurt you again. I wanted to walk to you, to make sure I was walking where there truly was ground, where there was foundation so that it wouldn't crumble and fall. And I'm here. I know I'm not literally here, but I'm here. I can feel myself just outside of your reach, and that I only need take that last step into your loving arms once more.
And this last step is the hardest, because I want so badly to jump to you, to step out and not worry that there is no foundation, but I know I need to make sure that foundation is there, so we can build upon it. I want to be with you, and I never want to leave your side again, and waiting for the concrete of our foundation to set is like watching paint dry; it's so painful to wait, because I just want it to be done. But I know the wait is a good thing, because this foundation is so important. I want the rest of our lives to be built upon it. I want us to be ok, and to be happy together. And I know we can be. We've done it every time I've visited, because even with all that's happen, in some ways nothing has changed between. There is still so much love that we share, so much that binds us to one another, and so much happiness that we find in each other. I don't doubt my future with you, because it's the only future I can see. When I lay down at night, I hold Stanley close, and we dream, even before we sleep, of when we'll get to lay down with mommy where we both rightly belong, and sleep so peacefully. And that dream is one I hold, day in and day out. I hold it so tightly, because it's the greatest dream I've ever had. My future lies with you. My children will be and can only be your children. My home will be and can only be your home. My happiness will be and can only be with you.
I won't lie. It's not all sunshine and rainbows right now. I spend every night, before I go to bed, gripped in paralyzing fear that I won't see you again, or that our future together will slip through my grasp, and I'll only ever have myself to blame. But what gets me through, and helps me to eventually find that sleep, is that I know that I cannot and will not let that happen. I need you like plants need the sun, like a fish needs water, like you need your penguins (though that is a need I now find myself with as well). And I know that I'm not by your side right now, where I need to be, where you want me, where I belong, and that makes it hard. But I promise you, come hell or high water, I will be there, as soon as I can. God himself could not keep you from me, because I am yours, and always will be. I will be there, and I will do everything I can to put us back on the path from which I led us astray. I will be by your side, and I will never leave it again, because I can't live away from you.
I love you, with everything that I am and more. From the moment I awake to the moment I finally find sleep, I think of you, every moment of every day. I dream of you when I sleep. I can't wait to talk to you every day, and wait with the highest anticipation whenever I await a response from you during our daily conversations. I love hearing from you, and I love telling you about my day, and hearing of your own. I only wish I could hear it in person, while you eat the grilled cheese and tomato soup I made for you just before you came home, and while you change out of your work clothes into your jammies and we sit under the penguin blanket, or in our capes, and then we decide what we want to do with the rest of our day together. I can't wait for those days, our days, because those days are beautiful, as they always have been, and will continue to be. But wait I must, because I must get us to those days once more. But do you see the inspiration I have, the motivation most beautiful, to get us there, as soon as I can? It's the light at the end of this dark tunnel away from you, and I'm running towards it, as fast I can, but safely, so as not to trip, because I can't afford to be held up by even the smallest distraction. But I'm coming, even if it looks like I'm not making much progress from where you stand. I'm coming, and nothing will hold me back from you.
