I Can't Stay Quiet Anymore

Every week, it's the same thing.
Every week, the dreams are the same.
What dreams are different, get stronger.



Since November 29th, I've wanted to send you something, anything. The best I could muster was asking you to come in for your pre-orders.

I miss you.

By everything that is sacred, wicked, divine, unholy - in all the worlds, in every way, I miss you.

I picture your smile, I dream of your voice. All I want is to talk to you again - that's a lie and we both know it.

I won't fill this with "I wish" and "I'm sorry" and every other thing under the sun in the hopes that you'll pity me enough. No, that's disrespectful towards you, and that's not anything anyone needs to deal with. This isn't a bid for attention, just something that I need to express, though it is still quite powerful nonetheless.

I will, however, say that I can't bear the weight with which that first week of August is bearing down on me.

I want to tell you that you were wrong. That your decision was wrong, is wrong. But I won't. To this day, if you asked me, I would tell you I respect your decision, as it was yours to make. But that does not mean I agree with it, that I condone it, that it was right.

Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I should have let go of this by now; it's been over six months. Twenty-seven weeks and two days, to be exact. But I feel like that's equivalent exchange for you. I can't just let go of all those years.

It wasn't perfect. Or at least I wasn't. And you deserve perfection, absolutely. But I was trying, am still striving, and always will work towards just that.

I don't really expect you to see this. I don't really expect you to respond to this. I do not expect this to fix anything.

But I have to say it. It has to be said, and, someday, you have to know.

There's so much more I could say, so much more I want to share, not only to make you understand how I feel - how I've always felt - but also, just because you have missed so much, and I've missed even more. You could ask me tomorrow, and I would remember everything I have yet to tell you from nearly every day. I've kept it all, just in case.

I pray to every god there ever was or will be that this finds you well, that you're happy, and - selfishly - that you'll read at least some part of this and perhaps smile, ever so faintly, or remember some happiness from it all.

Above all else, I wish you the absolute best out of life. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you happy, with everything you could ever want and more. That's all I want from this world.

A Letter to My Future

      Ok. I said I wanted this blog to become a primarily movie review/whatever blog, and not just a "here's my problems" blog. But you know what, it can be both. And any of that aside, it's important that you read this, because you need to know what's going on, and how I feel. So here goes....

       About two months ago, I left. I left because I was afraid, because I felt unimportant, and like I was holding you back. Because I had issues that needed to be voiced, but rather than voice them and face things like a man, I ran like a coward. And I kept running, foolishly, for some misplaced fear of your wrath, that you would run after me to scold me, or something negative of the sort. But you didn't. You stood there, and even amongst the tears and the sadness, you still saw the love, and you looked at me, with arms open, asking me to come back. I've always known that I was the love of your life, and that you are mine, but that still shook me to my core, because if there was ever a love that could have it's own physical presence, your's would be it. And I stood there, dumbfounded, not sure what to do. But I found myself slowly walking back to you. Hesitant, yes, but not from my own fear, but because I didn't want to hurt you again. I wanted to walk to you, to make sure I was walking where there truly was ground, where there was foundation so that it wouldn't crumble and fall. And I'm here. I know I'm not literally here, but I'm here. I can feel myself just outside of your reach, and that I only need take that last step into your loving arms once more.

       And this last step is the hardest, because I want so badly to jump to you, to step out and not worry that there is no foundation, but I know I need to make sure that foundation is there, so we can build upon it. I want to be with you, and I never want to leave your side again, and waiting for the concrete of our foundation to set is like watching paint dry; it's so painful to wait, because I just want it to be done. But I know the wait is a good thing, because this foundation is so important. I want the rest of our lives to be built upon it. I want us to be ok, and to be happy together. And I know we can be. We've done it every time I've visited, because even with all that's happen, in some ways nothing has changed between. There is still so much love that we share, so much that binds us to one another, and so much happiness that we find in each other. I don't doubt my future with you, because it's the only future I can see. When I lay down at night, I hold Stanley close, and we dream, even before we sleep, of when we'll get to lay down with mommy where we both rightly belong, and sleep so peacefully. And that dream is one I hold, day in and day out. I hold it so tightly, because it's the greatest dream I've ever had. My future lies with you. My children will be and can only be your children. My home will be and can only be your home. My happiness will be and can only be with you.

       I won't lie. It's not all sunshine and rainbows right now. I spend every night, before I go to bed, gripped in paralyzing fear that I won't see you again, or that our future together will slip through my grasp, and I'll only ever have myself to blame. But what gets me through, and helps me to eventually find that sleep, is that I know that I cannot and will not let that happen. I need you like plants need the sun, like a fish needs water, like you need your penguins (though that is a need I now find myself with as well). And I know that I'm not by your side right now, where I need to be, where you want me, where I belong, and that makes it hard. But I promise you, come hell or high water, I will be there, as soon as I can. God himself could not keep you from me, because I am yours, and always will be. I will be there, and I will do everything I can to put us back on the path from which I led us astray. I will be by your side, and I will never leave it again, because I can't live away from you.

       I love you, with everything that I am and more. From the moment I awake to the moment I finally find sleep, I think of you, every moment of every day. I dream of you when I sleep. I can't wait to talk to you every day, and wait with the highest anticipation whenever I await a response from you during our daily conversations. I love hearing from you, and I love telling you about my day, and hearing of your own. I only wish I could hear it in person, while you eat the grilled cheese and tomato soup I made for you just before you came home, and while you change out of your work clothes into your jammies and we sit under the penguin blanket, or in our capes, and then we decide what we want to do with the rest of our day together. I can't wait for those days, our days, because those days are beautiful, as they always have been, and will continue to be. But wait I must, because I must get us to those days once more. But do you see the inspiration I have, the motivation most beautiful, to get us there, as soon as I can? It's the light at the end of this dark tunnel away from you, and I'm running towards it, as fast I can, but safely, so as not to trip, because I can't afford to be held up by even the smallest distraction. But I'm coming, even if it looks like I'm not making much progress from where you stand. I'm coming, and nothing will hold me back from you.

Fear, Unlike Any I've Ever Known

I'm scared.

I'm so, so scared.

The Post Listing the Goals of the Blog

     So it's been a while since I've been here. Probably because I haven't been, but you know, whatever. But I realized that I should use this blog more often, though I believe I need to lay a few parameters, for the goals which I'm setting for myself, at least where this blog is concerned.

   1. I intend to use this to help better my writing abilities, which I will agree need improvement. I think I need to make my writing more free-form, as opposed to scripted banter. I mean, it's not that none of will be thought out beforehand, I just need to learn to relax, and let this thing write itself. Also, it would be beneficial of me to lessen my run-ons, and learn where to separate paragraphs. You know, things like that.
   2. I wish to use this as a method of expressing my opinion, instead of an update on my life sort of thing. That's what Facebook is for. I wrote that one movie review what is almost a year ago (the hell) and I really enjoyed that, so I want to do that more.
   3. I need to learn to update this thing more regularly, instead of just the few random times I think of it. I'm gonna do my best to post more often, and - if need be - just post shorter things, such as this list, just to get me into the habit.

     So there it is kids. A fine list of goals if I've ever seen one. Which I have, just now. I did write it, after all. Now one can only hope that I won't forget to adhere to these goals in the days to come. Here's to hoping. I'll let you know how it works out. Until then, I'm gonna go watch Highlander. Because after all, there can be only one, and he will be the very best, like no one ever was.

Squirrels

THEY ARE AMAZING. That is all.

       Seven o'clock. And so the insomnia returns. Yay! Except not. But I have finished season one, and gotten about half way through season two of How I Met Your Mother. So that's been fun. But now my cynical, negative, angry side is poking through. People are stupid. They're impossible. They're conniving. They're self-serving. And I am their savior. Why? Because I like a challenge. And I'm stupid.....
       ANYWAY
       What do I want out of life? I just want to be happy. I want to fall in love, be happy.... I have the ambitions of a child. I don't want anything extravagant. I just want happiness. Pure, simple happiness. Not that hard. That worries some people. And yes, I can assume that means you. Don't worry. Why? Because I said so. DEAL WITH IT.
        My brain is so scattered right now. This exhaustion makes me mind drunk. Makes me impatient. Ok, not that impatient. Look at me, I'm blogging. I'm obviously not that impatient.
       I just spent the last month with a very lovely someone. That was nice. I enjoyed that. I played several video games to completion, watched a score of films, and even an entire anime series. Neon Genesis Evangelion, to be exact. TROLOLOLOLOL. You know, as in, I've been trolled. But hey, it was a good time, so I'm not complaining. I'm back into Final Fantasy VII though. That's been fun. I am mastering that game so well. So many mastered Materia and final Limit Breaks. I WILL CONQUER RUBY AND EMERALD WEAPON. I WILL.
       I play Magic a lot. Not that I'm complaining. But I feel like there needs to be more people that share my love for these things. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are those that like it, but I'm just fascinated, always thinking about new things, always wanting to play it. I have no life. I can memorize a large portion of cards in so many card games, so many video games, so much needless, yet pertinent data that no other force in the world could care about.....
       I feel like I shouldn't prioritize these things so much. But it's what I'm good at. I can't deny my nature. Speaking of which, I've become rather proficient at analyzing films and shows and what-have-you. I mean, I'm not the best, but I'm learning. It's rather nice, though also a little disappointing at times, since you can predict a few too many things, and thus take a lot of sparkle out of what would otherwise be potentially exciting. But hey, that's knowledge. A double-edged sword that works primarily in your favor, yet occasionally knicks you.
       I shouldn't construct these things so late - er, early. I've been working on this for about an hour. This is all I've got. Aren't I the best?

Nothing ever stays the same.

     I hate that things change. Sure, its not always for the worst, but still. I'm not fond of it. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate making decisions. Its because, once you do, you can't go back, and things change. I've lost a lot of really good friends, and feel like I'm losing more, too. But the whole main point of this is one big fact: I used to be a super hero once. Sure, I didn't have an awesome suit, or a sweet ride. But I was a super hero nonetheless. Well, part of one anyway. It was a symbiotic situation, if you will. And we were fanfreakingtastic. We shared the same thoughts, felt the same things, and overall, were just wonderfully in-tune. Life was great, and our bond even greater. Or so I thought.
     But then, something happened, "shit went down" as the kids say, and the bonds that once held the universe in check broke. And now - now its nothing but a painful loss no one wants to talk about, like a child lost between a now broken couple. Actually, that describes it very well. But even if one aspect didn't work, I still would have liked what was one of the single greatest friendships I've ever had to have not dissipated so easily. But, I suppose I've really only myself to blame. I just really miss it, and that's a feeling that hasn't gone away. If anything, it keeps growing. I just want to be part of that super hero again. It saddens me - quite literally - that I may have lost something as great as that forever. I just hope that it can at least be a fragment of what it once was, oh so long ago....

TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT

I finally saw Transformers: Dark of the Moon this evening. And let me tell you, it was pretty good. Not great, but good. I feel I may get a lot of slack for that (especially from a certain Commander), but its how I feel nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, the cinematics were fantastic as ever, but the acting, of course, left a good deal yet to be desired. Shia LeBouf has gotten a lot better than the first movie though, I will admit that, but..... Ok, I really need to get this out of the way, because its all I can think about - LEONARD NEMOY WAS SENTINEL PRIME. OH MY DEAR YEVON, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT IS ABOUT THE GREATEST DAMN THING I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN ALL THE OTHER MOVIES PUT TOGETHER. AND THE FACT THAT HE EVEN SAYS "THE NEEDS OF THE FEW OUTWEIGH THE NEEDS OF THE ONE" MAKES MY INNER GEEK FEEL THINGS IN PLACES I HAVEN'T FELT IN A LONG TIME. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............ Anywho, now that I've got that out of my system, let's get back to what to what I was going on about. The needless eye candy was a vast improvement over a one Megan Fox, but still wasn't the best. And the gratuitous American theme was a little over the top. I mean, I must have heard the word "freedom" at least five times throughout the movie. And the flag flying in every shot of the Autobots at the end - overkill. But that aside, it wasn't all that bad. There weren't enough Transformers for my taste in over the first half of the film, but then again, any moment without them wasn't enough. Still, there was a little of human story development, which makes sense, since it is about our world after, at least until the second part. Which brings up the question of why they couldn't attempt to rebuild Cybertron in a peaceful way. Sure, there wouldn't be any plot to it, but they were so animate on leaving a dead planet dead that it almost made the Decepticons look like the good guys. And that wasn't the only dark part. After Megatron's betrayal against Sentinel, and his talk of a "truce" with Optimus, what was that? Prime just loses it, and kills - KILLS - a near incapable Megatron. Sure, Optimus only had one arm at the time, but he was still in better condition than Megatron, who had been barely keeping it together since the last film. I was even willing to overlook, since it would be that thing where "Evil has to be slain" or whatever, but then Sentinel tells Optimus he has to at least understand that he did what he felt he had to in order to save Cybertron, THEIR HOME PLANET, and yet, Optimus kills him, too. Doesn't even think twice. When did the Autobots, especially Optimus, become so willing to kill? That's not much like the Autobots I knew. I'm sure there's a moral there somewhere, about how war changes people and whatnot, but if a war that ravaged their entire planet and forced them to relocate to earth didn't change them, why in the hell would a few petty skirmishes here make a difference? I don't know, many would argue that it was the bolt that broke the Autobots back, but it seems kind of a stretch to me. I had a lot of problems with this movie as a fan of Transformers, even with my limited knowledge of the subject. As a self-proclaimed film critic, there was too much fan service, in many different forms, except for the real fans, like myself. Still, as far as movies go, it wasn't the worst I've had to endure, and I would definitely watch it again. But that doesn't mean its free of, nor that I'm oblivious to, its many flaws. The first Transformers movie ranks amongst one of my favorite movies, ever. The second had equally as fantastic moments, especially the first fight between Megatron and Optimus - that was FANTASTIC. This installment, though, will get an honorable mention, and be that extra movie you need to see to finish the trilogy. Don't be mislead by my bitching, I enjoyed it. It just frustrated me at times, that's all. I loved it, as I do anything Transformers, and I would recommend this to people to see. Just not fans, like Jerry. Although he didn't have a problem with The Last Airbender.... O_O ANYWHO, I think that's all I've got left in me, at least that I'm aware of anyway. There's probably more, and if you ask me, I'm sure I'll be more than happy to discuss it with you - in fact, I welcome the opportunity. This is just my one sided conversation on the topic that I felt I should share with you. So, you're welcome. I hope you've enjoyed this. I know I did. I should do more of these movie related entries. Who knows, this may yet be the start of something grand. ^_^

Narcissistic Adoration

So here I am, after another amazing weekend of epic proportions, and I can't help but think "I miss the internet when I'm away." Er, I mean, "That was one of the single best weekends of my life!" Yeah. That one. ANYWHO. The truth is, that happens a lot. And not just because of the fantastically amazing companion, but because, I'm happy with my life, and I'm happy with who I am. I've never felt so privileged to be me, this beautiful, perfect individual I am. Some would call this narcissism. A more trustworthy (and good-looking) source told me its "an over abundance of self-confidence." Whatever it is, it looks damn good on me, and I don't really think I'll be taking it off anytime soon. Now, don't let that fool you. I'm not a jerk now, or a self-righteous/centered/serving/insert-word-here individual. I'm still me. Just, you know, without the mopey self-loathing moments or the constant need to apologize. I still do "Kevin things," like retrieving or carrying or doing things for people. I just now make sure they appreciate that I do these things for them. And I can't really say that that's a bad thing. Its kind of like how the Fonz was. He knew he was the coolest guy in the neighborhood, and that no one could really be better than he was, but he was still a nice guy. Of course, that aspect made him even cooler, because then you really could never be as great as the Fonz. But nonetheless, that's who he was, and everyone loved him for it. And now, I am he as he is me. And in the words of the Christopher Eccleston, the Ninth Doctor, "Fantastic!" Oh, yeah, also, I'm madly in love. Just FYI. More on that to come later. You know, if I feel like sharing. Which I probably will, so don't worry. It'll be a grand story, the likes of which have never been told. Except in my new book, on shelves Tuesday. Make sure you pick that one up. It'll go down in history as a literary must-have, so you do not want to miss that. Anywho, I have anime to watch at two in the morning. So I'm gonna go do that now. KTHANXBIE.

After further deliberation....

      I think a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. About everything I've ever accomplished in life. Everything I've done wrong. Everything I need to do. I think, constantly. Its rare - in fact, I can't solidly remember the last time my mind has just gone blank. Though this last weekend is one of the few times I've got completely raw, existed completely by instinct alone, or at least shown it. I haven't done that in years. But I digress, as that topic can be a conversation for another time. Right now, I need to streamline these thoughts into something solid. Converge them into one point, and accurately represent them in proper words, at least one point at a time. Still, this might seem quite scatterbrained, so bear with me. And if you have any questions, please feel more than free to address them to me after the meeting. Thanks.

     I've always been clingy. Whether its someone I'm dating, close friends, sometimes even family, I've always been that way. I never really thought about why, just that I liked to show the people I care about just how much I care. But I realize, after giving much thought, especially as of late, that the reason that I'm so clingy is because I'm scared. I'm scared about losing those that I'm so close to. The closer someone is to me, the more I feel the need to express that bond, however overbearing it might be. I feel this compulsive need to latch on, and never let go. Even if I just want to play a game, I want someone to be around. When I talk, seemingly to myself, its because I hope someone is listening. I want someone to hear me, to acknowledge my words, and to respond; to show me that they care enough to listen. So I guess I do have some fear in me after all. I'm absolutely terrified of being alone.

     Also, there are those who would say that I have a detachment from the world/reality/whatever you feel like calling it. I often like to refer to myself as a Time Lord. This is both a bold faced lie, and the ultimate truth. I often don't feel like I belong to this world, like I don't belong as part of these humans. I often refer to myself as non-human, and, in honesty, I do feel like that. I feel like I was born to be something greater, something better. Not in the sense of superiority. More like the next step in "evolution." An ascended being. It makes me seem delusional. And maybe I am. But I like to think its kept me from making a plethora of bad decisions, and for helping people as much as I can. I also think its one of the devices that enable to step aside from my emotions, from things that might impair or bias my judgment, so that I might better understand all sides of the situation at hand, as opposed to making rash, possibly regretful decisions. I like to think that this so called "detachment" is the one thing that enables to rationalize and sympathize with people more than most others might. So forgive me if its not something I change any time soon. So the next time that you see a T.A.R.D.I.S., look around. You might just see me vanish around the corner.

       Anywho, I think that's everything. Well, for now anyway. There's more. There's always more. But right now, I think that's enough debriefing into my head to keep you kids talking amongst yourself for a while. I'd worry that you might think I'm weird, but who am I fooling. You already do. And honestly, I'm ok with this. Its not necessarily all that bad. Makes life a bit more interesting for everyone, don't you think? ;) Alas, tis here we must part. But I leave you with this parting bit of intellectual candy: How soon is too soon, if forever is just another moment in time?

I really need to stop succumbing to these sorts of things...

Well, here we are. I iz can haz blog now. Everyone else appears to have one, and you know I have to have what everyone else has. Besides, this actually looks like fun. In a soul searching, meditating sort of way. I've had some friends refer to this as a substitute for a therapist, and Yevon knows I could probably use one of those. So, to therapy I go. I suppose any proper patient would explain a little about themselves before diving straight in to the messed up stuff. Well, I know you're well aware of my name, since you wrote it in your scheduler, so I won't bother you with such trivialities. What you don't know is that I'm a bit of a nerd (when I say bit, I mean it comprises my personality). I love video games, mainly RPGs. I also love Dungeons & Dragons, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Magic the Gathering, you name it. I'm actually attempting to learn the Pokemon card game as well. Oh, that's another thing. I LOVE Pokemon. Its one of the main things in my life. I own at least one entry from every generation of the games, watch the show (sporadically), and know the names of most every Pokemon there is, all from memory. I'm currently playing Pokemon White, and breeding the best teams I can. But anywho, that shall all come in due time. For the present, I shall continue on my self-synopsis. Let's see.... I work at the Dollar General, which is a hell of a terrible job. I have a bit of a superiority complex at times, but I'm working on that. Oh, and I failed the crap out of college, a scab we'll be sure to pick at later as well. Wow, that was a mood killer, even for me, and I'm the one that said it. Sorry about that. Let's talk about Pokemon some more, that's always a good way to cheer up. I'm currently attempting to breed a perfect Reunicleus, Bisharp, Braviary, Haxorus, Zebstrika, and a yet to be decided sixth. Though, looking over that now, there's a bit too much Attack based Pokemon in that team, so I should really find a better medium. Maybe my new Espeon. She'll cover some more Special Attack, and that awesome Magic Bounce ability should come in handy. Hmmm... anyway, told you I was in to Pokemon. Well, I think that's enough for now, as I'm growing bored listening to myself, and have things to do. Hopefully I'll be back for another session. A voluntary session. Not one where they have to strap me down in a white, fluffy room because I finally cracked. But who knows what might happen. You sure don't.